Parenting

Monday, November 30, 2009

Love in the Time of Colic: Try Some Choreplay

Our resident sex expert Ian Kerner shares his tips for keeping the fire alive in your marriage .

By Ian Kerner

I can't tell you how often I get the same question from guys: "What do I have to do to get my wife to have sex with me?" My answer: Engage in some really hot choreplay. First, warm her up by doing the dishes; next make a move for the dirty laundry; then turn up the heat by putting the kids to bed. And if you want to get really naughty, make tomorrow's lunches. 

Related: More of Ian's Sexy Tips

Science has proven that the real secret to turning on a mother is turning off her baby brain. Researchers in the Netherlands found that "the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety." In a study in which the brains of men and women were scanned during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET), the results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety, and emotion reduce during sexual activity. Men showed far less change in these areas of the brain. Says Dr. Gert Holstege, "What this means is that deactivation, i.e., letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm." So if you're a woman, getting turned on also means, ironically, letting yourself get turned off. 

Related: Splitting the Parenting Duties

Ladies, let us know what we can do to help; tell us when you're overwhelmed. Sure, we should already know that, and yes, we should already being doing our share of the work, but odds are we're checking baseball stats and doing the bare minimum while you're picking up the slack. No wonder you don't want to have sex. But given the possibility of some action inside the bedroom, we'll be more than happy to put on the dish gloves and start taking action outside the bedroom.

Read more personal stories from Cookie's editors about parenting, relationships and more at The Agony and Ecstasy...

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From the Community…

Comments 1-7 of 7
  • Christie N's Avatar
    Posted by Christie N Wed Sep 16, 2009 8:37am PDT

    This applies even to unmarried, non-parents. When I'm stressed about housework, or my pets, or my job, everything is harder. He could at least help me out with the chores.

    Report Abuse
  • Erin's Avatar
    Posted by Erin Wed Sep 16, 2009 8:49am PDT

    I keep telling my boyfriend this. The best way to get me in the mood, when I am not feeling it, is to show me he loves and supports me and/or do something non-sexual to help me realx.

    I think it is hard for him to understand how extending himself in a nonsexual way should turn me on, but it does. His usual grabbing at my boobs or my crotch, not so much.

    Report Abuse
  • another hockey fan's Avatar
    Posted by another hockey fan Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:52am PDT

    Exactly WHY should a man expect something (such as sex) back in order to get him to help out around the house? As long as they are both working full time jobs outside the house, he lives there too. He helped create those kids. Maybe this is another reason why I never had kids.

    I'm all for getting each other in the mood, but pretending is not the answer because it's only an attempt to get what he or she wants AND that equates to he or she is not going to keep helping out because every time they aren't going to get "rewarded".

    Report Abuse
  • erin's Avatar
    Posted by erin Wed Sep 16, 2009 2:14pm PDT

    I know that sex is not a gift or reward, but sometimes people get in a rut Another Hockey Fan. Some men just don't get it. Mine doesn't get it. Me "if you do the dishes we can have sex", him "I'm on it". Sometimes I don't have the energy to do either but I'll take sex over washing the dishes after doing laundry and being at work. I get up super early, he gets up much later. I dont want to do house work when I get home so it's a good way to get me in the mood, I have to be in bed by 10, he gets at home at 8 we eat and then I go to bed he has to stay up and do work till 3 am. So it's also us time. But teaching some one sex is a reward means they expect it every time and will never do any work around the house. It' lose lose or win win how ever you think about it.

    Report Abuse
  • George B's Avatar
    Posted by George B Wed Sep 16, 2009 2:37pm PDT

    The guy should pull his weight around the house without being "seduced" into it. On the other hand, sex as a reward sounds a lot like prostitution, if you ask me...

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  • Mari's Avatar
    Posted by Mari Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:30pm PDT

    My husband expects me to reward him with nookie when he does a chore. I do most of the housework and I don't get rewarded. So frustrating...

    Report Abuse
  • Michelle E's Avatar
    Posted by Michelle E Wed Sep 16, 2009 4:47pm PDT

    I'm more in the mood when my husband helps me around the house. We don't always "play" afterward, but it does put me in a better, more relaxed mood, and therefor, more willing to "play". I work full time as a realtor and take care of the kids and most of the house(except when I am showing houses on the weekend and he is home with the kids sometimes). It's not a reward thing, but an "all part of being in this house" type of thing.

    Report Abuse
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