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Monday, November 30, 2009

Do You Miss Your Pre-Kid Self?

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Her twentysomething self was bold, courageous, and seemingly invincible. Then she had kids. A nearly-40-year-old mom wonders how she can recapture some of her youthful spirit.

By Kelcey Kintner

My twentysomething self is a bit hazy now, washed out by too many late-night cocktails and now years of parenthood. But I still remember that girl.

She would leave a bar in Madrid at three in the morning, jump on some Spaniard's motorcycle, and enjoy an exhilarating, high-speed spin around the city with him--without ever knowing his name.

Read more from Cookie's The Agony and The Ecstasy...

And go for a ride on a glider airplane, because who says planes need motors?

And move from New York City to Great Falls, Montana (practically Canada) to pursue dreams of being a TV reporter, without ever having set foot in the Big Sky state. Maybe not quite realizing that she was signing up for bears, minus-30-degree weather, and no sushi anywhere in sight.

I miss that girl.

During my twenties, I felt so damn invincible. So courageous. So strong.

Related: When Mommy-and-Me Classes Aren't All They're Supposed to Be

But somewhere along the way fear crept in. I started to hesitate. About too many things.

I can now think of a crazy amount of reasons why it's not such a brilliant idea to hop on some random guy's motorcycle in the middle of the night in Madrid. Or why I'd like a plane to have a motor. Maybe even two. Or why it might be a good idea to check out a city before you relocate your entire life.

But with this maturity, I've lost something along the way. A certain boldness. A boldness that offers up life as it is meant to be lived. The full experience.

I know it has a lot to do with having children. It seems the more I have to lose, the more people I desperately love, the more paralyzed I become. I want to protect my children from the evils of life and keep them safe forever. I want to be here on this earth for them as long as possible.

Of course, rationally, I know I can't control their destiny. Or my destiny. But I keep trying.

Related: Has Motherhood Robbed Me of My Looks?

I think back to my high school yearbook quote (because all true wisdom can be found in yearbooks or fortune cookies). "Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Only a person who takes risks is free."

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As I near 40 (when you're considered middle-aged and everyone seems to gleefully call you ma'am), I need some of that adventurous mojo back.

I want to let go. Just a tiny bit. I want to have trust in the universe. I want to stop being afraid. I want to have more fun.

Because I want my children to see me as a loving, independent, and courageous spirit. The kind of mother who would absolutely take a ride on a motorcycle every now and again.

Check out more new stories from Cookie:

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 38
  • Manny's Avatar
    Posted by Manny Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:02am PDT

    This was really deep. I don't have kids but now in my ealry thirties I look back at the person that once was and I ask myself why can't I be like her. You hit it on the nail when you said fear crept in. Fear is keeping stagnant. So I have made it a promise to my child self that I am going to take more plunges without looking. When you trust the universe all is possible. You owe that to yourself, your kids and your husband. Carpe Diem

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  • Amy's Avatar
    Posted by Amy Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:25am PDT

    Wow! I identify with this on SO many levels. Let me know if you figure out how to get your mojo back.

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  • Tara's Avatar
    Posted by Tara Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:18am PDT

    I feel the same way!

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  • starfedra's Avatar
    Posted by starfedra Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:24am PDT

    I'm 34 and I do remember that girl back in my early 20's, you are voicing what a lot of us feel like, so many responsibilities now, more maturity but no more boldness and feeling you owned the world, that was a nice feeling, I do miss that.

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  • Joy in Seattle's Avatar
    Posted by Joy in Seattle Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:25am PDT

    I think growing up is a good thing. I never want to go back to my selfish, immature, and risky self. I think having my child has made me a better person who thinks before she acts, considers the consequences of those actions, and how they will effect others.

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  • M G H's Avatar
    Posted by M G H Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:43am PDT

    I'm still a nullipara so I don't have that problem. :)

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  • BSFreeMama's Avatar
    Posted by BSFreeMama Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:58am PDT

    Since you can never go back to being 16, 18, 21 etc.. I enjoyed every moment, just as I am enjoying every moment as a 31 year old married mother of 2. Yes, the things I have done in the past (pre-marriage, during marriage and before kids) were a lot of fun but I have been there done that and have grown up and moved on. But I can still have fun even though I have 2 kids. I am very content with my life:)

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  • SFgal's Avatar
    Posted by SFgal Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:10am PDT

    Being able to reflect on all this gives me a lot of pleasure. I'm so glad I had my freewheeling 20s and even some of my 30s because now that I'm a married mom and a full-time editor, running a household, commuting, dealing with finances and preschool, it all seems like a distant dream. I do miss that girl who read endlessly, went to museums, and traveled alone to budapest just to visit the famous turkish baths, but I love my daughter more than anything and am happy (mostly) to be doing what I'm doing now.

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  • frequent visitor's Avatar
    Posted by frequent visitor Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:00pm PDT

    It doesn't have anything to do with having kids. I'm tired of people saying their bodies were never the same after they had kids, etc...Its not the same becuse you're 10 years older when you're done. You would have looked like that anyway. Same thing here, its not that having kids did this, its maturity, its life experience, its changing times.

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  • xenagurl's Avatar
    Posted by xenagurl Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:12pm PDT

    I'm 34 and honestly I think I'm cooler than I was in my 20's. So I'm quite happy. I don't see mother hood changing that. I'll strap my kid to my back and take off on adventures. I think it's going for the typical American "dream" that robs most women of happiness. Make you own dream, live it, and you'll find yourself in a better place.

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