That's one interesting idea that came through in this New York Times article by pediatrician Perri Klass, who suggests that learning manners is a key component of a child's development. Rather than simply seeing manners as bonus points to a healthy child visit, Dr. Klass concludes that manners are part of a child's growth and well-being—"another side of the journey every child makes from helplessness to autonomy."
Like a lot of parents, I feel strongly that manners matter. But there are also many parents who don't seem to take manners seriously. Which might be why I find myself so quick to point out on this blog, a lapse in the manners of moms or dads. It's not a question of snobbery; it's about decency and thoughtfulness. I like to think I'm teaching my daughter well when it comes to basic—but important—concepts of courtesy, but it's hard to make the rules stick when we grownups aren't all on the same page. For example, it's not easy to teach kids to respect their elders in a society where the definition of "respect" is wishy-washy and vacillates so much from one parent or teacher to another.
Related: How do you teach kids table manners when you lack them yourself?
I don't know about you, but when I grew up there were really only two camps: adults and kids, "them" and "us." Grownups were usually referred to as Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So and felt free to correct all children (not merely their own) in matters of manners. I well remember my mother correcting various friends who phoned my house and asked for me without introducing themselves first or greeting my mom. While I cringed at the time, now that I'm a mom myself I respect my mother for sending a message to me and my friends: the world is not all about you, and if you're going to succeed in it, you need to know what is expected of you.
But these same things are no longer expected of all kids by all adults. Acceptable behavior is no longer easily defined, and the "it takes a village" idea of child-rearing many of us experienced as children isn't something we can take for granted anymore. My daughter is still little so I don't know if I'll have the chutzpah to be firm with her pals on the phone or any other time they cross my manners line. I do know the concept intimidates me a little: I don't want to ruffle the feathers of their parents or being seen as strangely old-fashioned and "mean" by my child's friends. I guess it will depend on who those friends are—or rather, who their parents are.
For my part, I'm always grateful to anyone who kindly but firmly steers my kid in the right direction as she learns how to interact with those outside her comfort zone. I'm particularly keen on cues that reinforce the line between kids and adults: I want my child to know that while she may adore certain parents and teachers and they may adore her too, adults are not her peers. Not, to me, anyway.
Anyhoo. That's my tangent on manners today. The article that prompted me to think about all this focuses on manners in pediatrician's visits as a marker of child health. It's worth reading, though if there's one place where a parent might be forgiven for not insisting on perfect manners, it's surely in the doctor's office!?
How about you? Are you strict on manners? Do you feel comfortable enforcing them with others' kids?
Rude Mommy: Read more Crabmommy complaints about parents who just
can't get their manners right.
More from Crabmommy:
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Do you brag about your child to strangers?
- Are you raising your child to be
gender-neutral?
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Do you call your child by their real name or their many, many
nicknames?
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